understanding surrender. part 2

exploring

Human relationships can be complicated.

Though I was grateful to have a place to go, I was honestly not excited to move in with my sister in law. For one thing, that village concept has been so beat out of us we’ve forgotten that it’s actually a good and beautiful thing to support one another~ to share responsibilities of cooking and child rearing~ to have a built in shoulder to lean on. {more on “the village” in a later post} The second and main reason I didn’t want to move in with her is because I’ve spent so much of my life being judged and picked apart. I didn’t want to put my family though that on purpose. You see~ Angie and I were very similar creatures with only one real difference. But that difference is usually the deal breaker in most situations. Angie’s family was Christian, ours was not. At least, not in the unfortunate sense that Christianity is recognized in current culture. It seems so silly, doesn’t it. And of course it’s not a one case fits all situation. I know beautiful Christian folk that love me in all my witchiness. Niko is somewhere in between and goodness knows I love me some Jesus. Anyway~ Angie and I had always gotten along just fine but never really connected, and I believe it was that pesky belief system that stood in our way. Some of this was truth, but much of it was me projecting and letting shadows of fear and rejection and the awkward discomfort at opening my heart to what mattered.

So here we were, two women moving through heartache~ THRUST at each other. Angie was experiencing her own life changes and upheaval, and different though our own separate traumas were~ they gave us a window in which to see each other though. It wasn’t immediate. And it wasn’t easy. 5 kids, 3 adults, various animals, complicated transitions, and winter around the corner. Shit. It was madness much of the time. But again, I believe it was all just part of the plan.

September came and went. We were grasping at straws, looking and realistically considering land and homes that were so completely NOT for us. We got to this place of frustration and desperation and were almost about to settle on something~ anything. Then, as tends to happen with us~ magic~ but only when we are paying attention.

Niko’s cousin Abi was going to Peru and wanted us to come along. Well, of course it’s a bit difficult to figure a family of 4 (5) with expenses to Peru. We decided that he should go alone. We were under so much stress~ and though we both needed a break, we couldn’t pass up this unexpected opportunity. Then there’s that whole “paying attention” thing that we’re pretty committed to. So he went with the intention to become clear on our next step. His trip was amazing. I mean, PERU, but that’s his story to tell. The first few days while he was gone were pretty intense for me. Alone without my husband in his sister’s house. It got better though and answers came through. While he was there following pathways in ceremony, Paonia came up. If you’ve been with us for awhile, you may remember that our “Feed the Dream” land was in Cedaredge and that our love for Paonia is what led us there. And so, on a whim (or led by magic~ nuance) he jumped on the web to see what came up in that area, and immediately found a house for rent on a 40 acre yak ranch~ 20 minutes from Paonia.

Now honestly, I was not excited at the prospect of renting. But he made good points: We’d live in the area for an entire year of seasons and we’d have the opportunity to be there and explore without commitment. I spoke to the owner a few times on the phone and Angie and I attempted to make plans to take the 5 hour drive to see the place~ but weather thwarted us. In the end, we rented the place sight unseen while Niko was still in Peru. When he got home, we took the drive and signed the lease. We spent our last Christmas with his family and our Daisy and then began the exhausting back and forth journey moving a household across the state.

christmas 2016

Angie’s help during this process was invaluable. We’d become closer, though not fully broken down into the raw sisterhood we were both seeking. It was coming though. By the time we made the final haul, we ended up in a white out along snaky mountain roads~ Niko in the van with Leelu and the goats, and me with Clara in the Rover pulling a Uhaul behind. It was one of the scariest drives I’ve taken yet~ a rite of passage for the journey ahead.

(to be continued…)

 

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